


I know it breaks your heart

by tinybean



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Genderfluid Katsuki Yuuri, I'm Sorry, Just lots of Angst, M/M, Married Couple, Original Character(s), TONS of original characters - Freeform, coach victor, mentions of the steamed bun incident, what do i tag idk, yuuri misses viktor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-28
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-09-02 18:44:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8679124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinybean/pseuds/tinybean
Summary: Viktor left in the middle of the night without a goodbye a week after Yuuri placed silver. Needless to say, Yuuri was pretty upset.





	

**Author's Note:**

> this isn't beta-ed so oops  
> hope you enjoy the angst  
> i wrote this in three days too so oops  
> title is from closer by the chainsmokers and that's basically how i decided to write this. vikuuri fan videos inspire me.  
> also i don't mention it outright but yuuri is absolutely genderfluid in this buddy  
> also i cried a lot writing this hahahahah oops

    Yuuri woke up at what his alarm clock across the room displayed as four thirty. He’d finally fully gotten over the jetlag from the Grand Prix Final where he had won silver, and he was supposed to start training for the next season in a few days. He swung his legs over the side of the bed sleepily and reached for his running shoes on the floor. He fumbled with the strings, but managed to tie them up without much struggle. He picked up his wireless earbuds on his way out of the door and placed them in his ears. 

    He snuck outside as quietly as possible so he wouldn’t disturb his family members, but he was met with sight his older sister sitting on the steps of the building. She was staring out into space with a burnt up cigarette between her fingers, completely untouched. That’s when he should have known something was wrong.

    “Mari? What are you doing out here so early?” Yuuri whispered.

    Mari jumped at the sound of his voice, dropping her cigarette on accident. “Oh, Yuuri!” she exclaimed in an oddly cheery voice as she got on her feet. “I just needed a cigarette!” she told him, smiling tightly. “I should be getting back to sleep. Have a good run!” 

    Yuuri blinked in surprise as she ran off back into their home. He hadn’t seen her that off since she was in her late teens. He noticed she left her cigarette burning on the pavement and moved to put it out with his shoe, and then he was off on his run. 

    Early in his run he realized his strange encounter with Mari was throwing him off, so he tried to convince himself she was tired and turned up the volume on his running playlist. When he returned home to his family, along with Yuuko, sitting at the table talking to each other in hushed voices, looking at one another with distraught faces, his stomach dropped uncomfortably. Something serious was wrong with Mari. 

    He dropped to his knees at the table where his family was, and yanked his headphones out of his ears without bothering to turn off the music playing through them. “What’s going on?” he asked, looking at Mari with sympathetic eyes. He was surprised to get them back.

    It was Yuuri’s mom who decided to clarify. “Yuuri… Viktor is gone,” she told him gently, as she reached forward to take his hand.

    Yuuri stared at her for a moment in confusion. “What do you mean? Did he go for a run? Did Makkachin have a doctor’s appointment?”

    “He’s gone, Yuuri. And so are all of his things,” Mari told him. 

    Yuuri shook his head at them in disbelief, but his eyes were quickly filling with tears. “He wouldn’t have left without telling me goodbye. He wouldn’t have.”

    Mari rubbed Yuuri’s shoulder comfortingly. “He left, Yuuri. I watched him leave. I was just heading outside when the last of his things were going outside,” she explained. 

    “Maybe he’s moving into an apartment!” Yuuri tried to convince himself. “I know he was talking about finding somewhere of his own to live, but it was hard to find somewhere decent in Hasetsu.”

    “I don’t think he’s coming home, Yuuri,” Yuuko said, rubbing away one of Yuuri’s fallen tears with her thumb. “People don’t usually move in the middle of the night.”

    Yuuri’s bottom lip quivered, and he hurried to stand up from the table. “He wouldn’t have left without telling me! He said he’d stay with me!”

    “Yuuri,” Yuuko cooed as she reached out to pinch the material of Yuuri’s sweatpants, but Yuuri was too quick for her. He was gone before she could finish the first syllable. The group collectively winced at the crunch of his earbuds that rung out in the silence after he’d left.

    The congregation at the table all looked at each other for a moment, but it was Mari who decided to follow him. She’d seen him at his worst more than any of the rest of them, and it felt only right to be the one to help him down from losing someone who had meant so much to him. He’d done it for her before. 

    “I’ll go talk to him,” Mari mumbled, standing up from the table. “Have hot tea ready for him in about an hour,” she said over her shoulder. She caught a glance of Yuuko picking up the pieces of Yuuri’s headphones that he’d been using for what felt like forever. Their parents would probably buy him new ones without a single word said, hopefully. Hopefully they’d do it soon, so Yuuri wouldn’t have to relive this moment ever again. 

    Mari jogged down the hallway to Yuuri’s room, but she stopped when she noticed Yuuri standing in the doorway of the room where all of Viktor’s furniture from home had been only hours before. She approached him cautiously, but couldn’t help not to wrap her arms around him when she noticed how wet his face was. 

    “Oh Yuuri,” she soothed, rubbing his back in circles. She waited for a moment before saying, “Why don’t we go to your room and talk?” 

    Yuuri shook his head violently when she suggested his room, eyes widening too large for Mari to even push the idea. 

    “How about my room?” she suggested. “It’s a little further, though. Do you think you can make it that far?” 

    Yuuri glared at her half-heartedly through his tears. “I’m not dying. I can walk,” he argued, sniffling.

    Mari laughed and tousled his hair. “Sorry,” she said. She let go of him and took his hand. “Let’s go to my room. We can make a fort like we used to,” she bribed. Yuuri didn’t budge. She sighed. “You can’t stand here staring at this room hoping everything will reappear for the next day, Yuuri.” She frowned, looking at the side of his face. “Please,” she pleaded. 

    Yuuri turned to her and nodded. “You’re.. You’re right. Let’s go,” he agreed. He followed Mari through their home, hand in hers like when they were younger. She opened the door for him, and he was immediately hit with the smell of stale cigarettes. But, he refused to let it bother him today. He had better things to do, which apparently included crying because the moment he sat on her bed, his crying returned.

    Mari shut the door to muffle the sound from their parents and guest. She crossed the room and stepped onto her bed, which made Yuuri tip over to lean against the wall, but no real damage was caused so she wasn’t bothered much. She closed her curtains then pulled the blanket from the foot of her bed out from under Yuuri and tucked it into the curtain rod at the side of her bed. 

    She jumped off her bed and brought her standing mirror to the side of her bed, but was sure to turn it so the back was facing her bed. She climbed back onto the bed and draped the blankets from her curtain rod over her bed to the mirror and secured them with the ease of years of practice. She brushed Yuuri’s hair out of his face before whispering, “I’m going to sneak pillows from the guest closet. I’ll be right back,” she explained. 

    When she returned, Yuuri was in the same position, but he seemed at least slightly calmer. She frowned and set up pillows against the window and piled more where her own already were. She helped Yuuri up from the foot of her bed and pulled back her comforter before bringing him back to her bed. 

    Yuuri rubbed his already red eyes under his glasses as he laid down on Mari’s mattress, and she followed soon after, laying so she was facing him. He watched as she propped herself up on an elbow and pulled her blankets over them. “I missed this,” he admitted.

    Mari paused. She smiled at him after a beat, then reached forward to take his glasses. She hesitated. “Is it okay if I put these on the table?”

    He nodded affirmation and then they were off his face. 

    The siblings watched each other quietly. Yuuri broke the silence.

    “Did you ever think he’d leave me?” he asked, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. 

    She would have picked at his motion if he wasn’t so miserable, but she stopped herself. “I thought he would in the beginning, of course. I think the only person who didn’t was mom, because she loved him so much. I think not only that, but she was so excited for you to have the opportunity that you did. I never want you to forget that good did come out of this, even if it ended badly.

    “But, to answer your question: did I think he’d leave you now? Never. I never thought he’d ever leave you. I thought we’d be looking for an apartment for you two, or at least for you to get a dog together,” Mari frowned, looking over at her younger brother. “I never thought he’d leave you like this, either. Even in the beginning. That’s the part of this I don’t understand. I don’t know why he would leave you, his.. leeb- whatever.” Yuuri smiled at her attempt at Russian. “He seemed so happy with you. That’s what makes this hard to understand,” she said. 

    Yuuri shook his head. “I don’t get it either, Mari,” he told her. Tears started to well up in his eyes again. “I don’t know why he’d leave and not say anything.”

    Mari sighed and wrapped her arms around him. “I know… I called him three times and texted him probably a thousand times. I’m hoping he’s just on a flight back home and he’s not ignoring me,” she admitted. She kissed the side of his head. “I’m sorry, Yuuri. I’m sorry he left without telling you. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you when I saw you this morning. I’m sorry anyone would ever want to treat you this way.” She laid her head on his and let him cry while she rubbed his back up and down. “I’m so sorry.”

“Do you think he left because I didn't win gold?” Yuuri asked though hiccups minutes later.

Mari didn't respond for a moment. She didn't know. It definitely didn't feel like something Viktor would do, but they're all starting to realize they didn't know him as well as they thought they did. She ran her fingers through Yuuri’s hair and kissed his forehead. “I don't know anymore,” she admitted. “I don't know.”

~

    Yuuri didn't let Viktor and his lack of response stop him from continuing to pursue his Grand Prix Final gold. He didn’t go back to Celestino, though he would have liked to. He knew what he needed from a coach now, and, sadly, he wasn’t what Yuuri needed.

    Instead, he started training under Charlotte Bilodeau and her husband Louis in France. She was a top skater fifteen years ago and had qualified for the Olympics, but she broke her ankle and had to bow out of the opportunity. 

    Louis was once a top skater as well, but Charlotte was Yuuri’s head coach. Louis had another pupil named Matteo who was also headed for the Grand Prix Final and he had to focus more on him. Charlotte helped Matteo like Louis helped Yuuri. 

    Charlotte was what Yuuri needed. Not only did she have anxiety, she knew what being so close to success and only brushing fingertips across it felt like. She knew how to play his strengths. She made sure all of the jumps of the routine Louis choreographed for him were worked into the end, and she gave the whole thing a feminine twist because she could sense that was where Yuuri was best.

    The only major difference between the year the Bilodeaus started coaching him and the year Viktor was coaching him was who Viktor was coaching. He’d moved to America and starting coaching a fifteen year old there. 

    Viktor had claimed in all of his tweets and interviews that he had moved because he loved new experiences. While that might have been true, Yuuri knew he was looking for somewhere that felt like home. He called Russia home, but Yuuri knew he wasn’t comfortable there. Viktor couldn’t be himself in Russia. He hid who he was every day for twenty-seven years because he couldn’t be himself. 

    His new student’s name was Joel Reyes and he was making his senior debut that year. 

    Yuuri had been sitting in Charlotte’s home in the heart of Paris with her young daughter, Abella, at his side and her French bulldog in his lap when he saw Joel’s free skate program for the first time. Louis wasn’t at home as he had gone with his student, Matteo, to Skate America. He had come over to watch with Charlotte, who had no idea what happened about Viktor. 

They rarely talked about Viktor, so she had assumed something had happened between them. It was something she picked up on the first week they trained, but it seemed confirmed when Yuuri told her what song he wanted to use for his program. 

His eyes never moved from the screen from the moment Viktor and Joel had come onto it. That threw Charlotte off a bit, until he got up when Abella wanted something to drink minutes before Viktor was to take the ice.

When he came back, Joel was in his starting pose and Yuuri scrambled across the room to bring Abella her drink. She stumbled out an “arigatou” and he almost forgot to praise her pronunciation because he was so focused on what Joel’s routine would be. 

He’d announced his theme for his program this year would be love and loss, and he didn’t disappoint. Viktor had chosen a song with one verse repeated twice, with a solemn instrumental part between the two, which all but begged for a new beginning. His song choice paired with a flawless routine and his distressed expression made Yuuri’s heart hurt with sympathy.

He missed Viktor more than words could express. He was the first person outside of his comfort zone that he’d let himself get attached to, and he’d been his idol before that. It was hard to have that ripped from him without any explanation. He connected to Joel’s performance. 

He missed Viktor too much some days. Sometimes, even months later, he’d lie in bed and cry until his eyes hurt because it was so hard to lie in his bed and remember he’d never feel the comfort of his arm around him as he slept. He’d never hear that heartbeat under his ear for as long as he lived.

Then it hit him. This was Viktor’s song choice and Viktor’s choreography and Viktor’s coaching. This was Viktor telling a story of love lost. Or at least it seemed like it.

His program made Yuuri wonder if he regretted leaving. But Yuuri knew that if he did regret it, he would have spoken up. He wouldn’t have used his student’s program as a cry out to him. That wasn't the Viktor he knew. He wouldn’t have going through someone else. He was probably using the curiosity that viewers had about the two of them to his advantage to sell himself even further. 

The thought of Viktor using their past relationship for inspiration didn’t stop Yuuri from crying. It broke his heart to think that Viktor was in as much pain as him and doing nothing about it. At the end of the performance, his coach was shooing her whining daughter into another room.

“Yuuri, do you want to talk?” Charlotte offered when Abella was in her room with the door shut. 

Yuuri pushed his glasses up until they were resting on top of his hair, and rubbed his eyes raw. “You probably know what happened,” he told her, but decided to explain after a long pause. “Viktor and I were… together. We had more than a professional relationship. I don’t want to go into details but.. He and I were very close.” Charlotte nodded at him and he continued. “He lived with my family while he was coaching me. A week after I got silver at the Grand Prix Final, he was gone. He didn’t leave a note, and he wouldn’t answer my calls or texts.

“I called him daily for almost a month. And every time, it went to voicemail,” he said, sniffling.

Charlotte’s eyes widened, and she pressed a hand to her mouth. What had happened to them was worse than she could have ever expected. “Oh, Yuuri…” she cooed. 

Yuuri shook his head. “I thought I was doing better with it until… His routine made him seem remorseful, didn’t it?”

Charlotte gave him a sympathetic smile. “I’m so sorry,” she said. She had the same assumption as Yuuri did about Viktor. He was probably using their relationship to create a program. “Do you need a hug?”

Yuuri nodded at her and fell into his coach’s arms. “Sometimes, I wonder if all our relationship was to him was a way to make a love routine seem believable,” he said, his voice muffled by Charlotte’s arm. “I’m starting to think it wasn’t. I need to know why he left.”

Charlotte frowned and pulled away from him to look into his eyes. “Either way, he’s missing out on something great. You’re going to break his record at the Final and you’re going to perform such an emotional program that he’s going to remember what he’s missing.”

~

    He beat Joel at Skate Canada. He’d been first that night. Viktor had been watching him at the side of the rink, like he always had a year ago at that time. 

    He debuted his short program that night. He was in a dark blue velvet top with large gems that resembled diamonds over the neck and shoulders and black pants, reminiscent of leggings, with the same gems doing down the outside seam of them. Black glitter had been applied around his eyes messily and he was wearing heavily smudged eyeliner. The top part of his hair was pulled back into a ponytail as he’d grown it out for his more feminine program this year but it still needed to be out of his face.

    He performed his routine with such strength that he was sure he would never be able to perform it that well ever again. His theme for his short program was heroes. He was telling the story of a girl off to defeat some sort of monster that no one else believed she could destroy. By the end of the short program, it’s dead and she’s finally gained the respect she deserved. It was an instrumental piece with such immense power that everyone in the crowd was silent for a moment after he finished.

    Charlotte welcomed him off the ice with a large hug after he’d handed his selection of stuffed cartoon sushi to Louis. 

“Congratulations!” Louis exclaimed as he ruffled Yuuri’s hair and sat Yuuri’s things with his bag before turned his attention back to Matteo who would go onto the ice in a minute’s time.

“Good luck, Matteo,” Yuuri said, giving him a smile and a thumbs up.

Matteo nodded in acknowledgement, but he was too busy doing his pre-program breathing exercise to say anything. Yuuri knew he appreciated it, though. He’d spent enough time with him to know he did.

He hoped Matteo would do well. The two were rinkmates and shared coaches. They had become quick friends due to the circumstances. They had even decided to share an apartment together the next time their leases were up. Even if he lost to Matteo, it wouldn’t hurt badly. 

    Yuuri spent all of Matteo’s performance in the Kiss and Cry. He got a 99.23 and Charlotte was definitely crying. When he exited, Louis and Matteo were waiting at the side for him. 

    “Congratulations, Yuuri! There’s no way anyone else will skate better than you, especially after they’ve seen how well you did,” the eighteen year old told him in broken English, smiling ear to ear with pride for his friend.

    “I feel bad for anyone who has to skate after us,” Yuuri replied, smiling just as wide. “I’m sorry I didn’t see it, but I’m sure it was amazing. It always is during practice.”

    Louis nodded appreciatively at Yuuri. They all knew that was exactly what Matteo needed to hear. He was much like Yuuri when it came to competitions. He could have it flawless in rehearsals, but once he was out on the ice in front of a giant crowd, there was no way to know how it would go. It all depended on his level of anxiety.

    “We better go see your scores!” Louis said, gently moving Matteo in that direction. Once he got him moving, he looked back to Yuuri and mouthed a thank you.

    Yuuri and Charlotte walked towards the door that held the back room where skaters and coaches stood around a large TV watching other skaters and their score reveals, and on their way Yuuri caught a glimpse of Viktor in a suit that looked similar to the one he’d worn when he was coaching Yuuri. He wondered why he was at the side of the rink instead of in a back hallway with his student. He wondered where Joel was. Maybe he’d gone to the bathroom. 

Charlotte caught him looking and moved him quicker into the back room because she knew he wouldn’t have wanted to get caught staring, which was bound to happen if he stood there staring at him. They came in just in time to see Leo’s short program. He was skating to an upbeat song Yuuri had never heard, but most of the audience seemed to enjoy it. It was definitely a crowd pleaser pick.

Matteo and Louis came in during Leo’s performance grinning from ear to ear. Yuuri could understand why. Matteo had got a 98.88, which placed him extremely close to Yuuri and left almost no space for anyone to get between them. Yuuri congratulated him with a tight hug. He’d started thinking of him as a younger brother and he was so overwhelmingly proud to see him do so well, especially when he was so inconsistent. 

Skaters started trickling in after they performed, and soon they were joined by Joel and Viktor. Joel had obvious tear stains on his cheeks as he had just given a very poor performance. Yuuri couldn’t imagine the stress of a senior debut paired with the horrible calming skills of Viktor. 

    Joel ended up wedged between Yuuri and Viktor in the small crowd that was forming and Yuuri turned to him to comfort him.

    “Ah, Joel?” The younger turned to Yuuri with wide eyes, and Viktor couldn’t help but do the same. Yuuri payed no attention to the coach. “You’ve still got tomorrow,” he soothed. “And you really could place high if you do your free skate as well as you did at Skate America. You broke records with it, didn’t you?” Joel nodded, and looked a little more composed. Viktor was back to paying to Minami’s program, or at least pretending to. Yuuri was glad. “If you skate that program as well as you did last time, you’ll easily place.”

    Joel smiled at him widely. “Thank you so much,” he said, then looked back at Viktor as if he expected his coach to say something. Viktor was too focused on Minami’s program to realize his pupil was even looking at him.

    When Minami’s scores came up, Yuuri decided to leave the noisy room to watch Phichit in front of him instead of on a screen. He reached the door, then turned back around after a moment’s hesitation. 

“Viktor,” he said, but Viktor didn’t even look in his direction. Everyone else in the room seemed to have heard him though, because all eyes were on him. He looked to Joel, who was watching Viktor with surprised eyes. He directed his words towards Joel instead. “He choreographed you a fantastic program,” he said. 

He left without another word and Charlotte at his side. As they came to the edge of the rink, Charlotte gave him a sympathetic smile and looped her arm around his shoulders. She squeezed him to her side before letting go completely. Yuuri stood just as close anyway.

The next day, Yuuri debuted his free program. He’d created his own program of love lost. His song sang about loving and being loved in return, then losing that mutual love unexpectedly. He broke his own record with that performance, but he hoped he’d broken Viktor’s heart along with it.

    When time for the medal ceremony came, Phichit ended up placing between Yuuri and Matteo, and Yuuri wouldn’t have rather it been any other way. Joel didn’t skate his program as well as he had at Skate America, and Yuuri couldn’t help but be a little disappointed that Viktor wouldn’t be at the Grand Prix Final to see him break his record. 

    But, as Yuuri stood in front of two of his closest friends smiling wide for the camera with his gold medal in his hand, he remembered Viktor would be watching him anyway. He’d promised long ago that he would never take his eyes off of him.

 

~

    Only a month later, Yuuri was at the Grand Prix Final with Matteo, and the Bilodeaus. Even young Abella had tagged along for the Final with her grandfather. Yuuri was buzzing with excited energy from the moment he stepped into the building. People from all across the world were here to watch him. They wanted to see if he could shatter his once boyfriend’s records and if he would. They wanted to see what dramatic makeup Charlotte would paint onto his face and how she’d braid his hair. They wanted to see how he’d react to the pressure. 

    People had come from all corners of the continent to watch Yuuri. 

    The first day went off without a hitch. He’d performed his routine flawlessly and earned a 99.45 for it. His makeup was all over the news and YouTube beauty gurus were rushing to be the first to post a how-to. Johnny Weir was tweeting about how nice his outfit looked on him, and how he couldn’t wait to see how well Yuuri looked in his design for the last time.

    The second day, he woke up and started getting calls from his family, who had all come to cheer him on, about how he felt that Viktor was at the Final and if he found that stressful. The answer was yes. 

    The second day wasn’t watching every other performer before he went on and making sure to cheer for him. The second day was an hours-long panic attack that had Charlotte locking him in a bathroom with her and making him listen to his pre-performance playlist as loud as possible to drown out the sounds of the audience. He wished he hadn’t known Viktor had come.

    He was third, so he didn’t get much time to calm down, but it was enough. He went out onto the ice with a convincing enough confident look on his face that he started believing himself. He stood in his starting pose with his braided hair and smudged lipstick and hoped to everything that he would land every jump safely and that he’d make Charlotte proud. And if he made Viktor cry, that was fine too.

    He did land every jump safely and when he hit his ending pose he had a gut feeling he’d made Charlotte more than proud. He bowed gracefully, then skated to Charlotte at the side of the rink with a speed he’s sure he’s never hit before. She helped him get his blade guards on, then pulled him into the tightest hug he’s ever felt, and he cried into her shoulder.

    “I think you might have won gold, Yuuri,” she whispered into his ear. Her phone went off and she pulled away from Yuuri to see who it was. “Oh, it’s Louis. I’m sure he wants to talk to you,” she said, holding out the phone to Yuuri.

    “YUURI!” 

    Yuuri flinched and pulled the phone away from his ear. “Hi,” he said sheepishly as he brushed away his tears. 

    “You did amazing!” Louis exclaimed. He wasn’t far away, but he was with Matteo in a hallway warming up and couldn’t quite abandon his main student. “Oh, here, Matteo wants to talk to you.”

    “I know I’ve told you this before,” Matteo started, “but if I lose to you, it will truly be an honor. Skating with you is enough of a privilege.” 

    Yuuri’s tears started falling freely again. “Ah, Matteo,” he said, blushing bright red. “I’m the lucky one. Skating against you always makes me try harder. You’re the best competition I’ve ever had.” Charlotte took his other hand and started leading him to the Kiss and Cry. “I need to go now, but.. Good luck, Matteo. Do your absolute best because I’m comfortable with losing to you too. I know what you’re capable of. Show it to the world.” He hung up and gave the phone back to Charlotte.

    Near the Kiss and Cry stood Viktor Nikiforov with his back against the wall of the rink watching Yuuri walk by him in his designer skating costume with a look on his face that Yuuri hadn’t seen in a year. 

    Yuuri opened his mouth to say something to him, but Viktor shook his head and nodded toward the Kiss and Cry, silently telling him that they’d talk later. Yuuri nodded in agreement and turned his attention back to walking to where he’d discover how well he’d done.

    The moment Yuuri sat down, a voice projected in the rink started near screaming that he’d broken Viktor’s record. He didn’t believe it until he saw it himself, but the announcer was right. He had broken Viktor’s record and now he had to talk to Viktor. He hoped he wouldn’t be so torn up about it that he’d leave. He really wanted to talk to him.

    He left the Kiss and Cry with Charlotte’s arm over his shoulder. “Now that I’ve performed, can I have my phone back?” Yuuri asked, giving her the softest eyes he could muster. 

    Charlotte nodded and dug around in her bag to get Yuuri’s phone. She handed it over with a smile. “It’s a good thing you didn’t have it this week. Look’s like you would have been plenty distracted,” she said with a knowing look. 

    Yuuri frowned in confusion, but realized quickly that he had over one hundred text messages. And they were all from Viktor.

    Oh.

    He’d assumed long ago that Viktor had probably deleted his number, or even changed his own. He hadn’t. And that meant he had received every last one of Yuuri’s texts and calls. And he’d never responded.

    He opened the chat and realized quickly that Viktor had responded to every last one of the texts Yuuri had sent him over the past year. Even the ones that were the length of diary entries. All of them. All of them were answered, but there were far too many for him to go through them now. 

    A new set popped up after Yuuri locked his phone again. Apparently he hadn’t changed Viktor’s contact information since he’d put it in.

    From: Vicchan ♥(ˆ⌣ˆԅ)  
    !!!! you did so well today, yuuri!!!! ♡＾▽＾♡

    From: Vicchan ♥(ˆ⌣ˆԅ)  
i’m sorry i didn’t try to talk to you earlier. tell me when + where and i’ll explain.

    Yuuri saw him again on his way to the back room, but this time he’s wasn’t watching Yuuri pass by him in his mesh top with pink flowers embroidered on. He was watching his phone, waiting for Yuuri to give him information. 

    He gave Charlotte a look and she looked confused for a moment before announcing she was going to check up on Matteo. 

    Yuuri stumbled over to Viktor in his skates and gripped tight onto the wall. Viktor looked over in surprise. 

    “I just saw your texts,” Yuuri told him. “Why did you only reply just now?”

    Viktor smiled gently at him. “Oh, Yuuri,” he said, as though Yuuri had missed something he should have been able to see clearly. “I’ve wanted to for so long. So, so long.”

    Yuuri wrinkled his nose at him, clearly unamused. “Why didn’t you?”

    “It’s-”  
     
    “Don’t tell me it’s a long story,” Yuuri said firmly. “You don’t leave without a single goodbye and say it’s a long story.”

    Viktor brushed his hair out of his face and nodded. “You’re right. I owe you an apology,” he said. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was leaving.”

    Yuuri narrowed his eyes at him. His phone buzzed in his hand and he glanced down to see a text from Charlotte reminding him that Matteo was on soon. “We’ll talk about this later,” he said, and started walking toward the entrance of the rink. 

    “Where are you going?” 

    “I think if you didn’t tell me where you were for an entire year, I don’t really need to tell you where I’m going,” Yuuri said stiffly. He turned and spoke over his shoulder. “We’ll talk later.”

    Yuuri joined the Bilodeaus at the ice, and every last one of them were standing there to send off Matteo. Even little Abella was had made her way down with her grandfather. Upon hearing him approaching, she turned with a swish of her blonde hair and directed her excited blue eyes at him. “Yuuri!” she screamed, and ran to him. She latched onto his legs and he laughed so hard he cried. He picked her up and settled her on his hip. “You did so good!” she said, probably repeating something one of her parents had said. Yuuri smiled and kissed her hair.

    “That’s quite the compliment coming from you,” Yuuri said.

    “It is!”

    He put her back down and stepped forward to take Matteo’s wrist before he took the ice. “I meant what I said, Moreau,” Yuuri said, using his last name to tease him. “I want you to win as badly as I want to win.” He patted him on the shoulder, and then Matteo was off onto the ice.

    He made a small mistake on one of his combinations, but other than that, Matteo had done just fine. But it was clear he wouldn’t be beating Yuuri’s score. He came off the ice crying. He was absolutely wrecked that he had messed up, and no matter how much his coaches or Yuuri tried to tell him it was alright, he couldn’t stop sobbing. Deep down Yuuri wondered if it probably wasn’t okay. Everyone else wouldn’t be making any mistakes because it was the Final and they all wanted to win and were working so hard to.

    His fears were confirmed when it turned out Matteo had placed fourth of the four scores that were up. There was no coming back from that. He hadn’t scored high enough on his short program to make mistakes. 

    Louis left with him to find somewhere quiet to calm him down, but they didn’t come back until Yuuri hit the ice again to receive his gold medal. He blew kisses with his lipstick coated lips and held up his medal for the camera while he smiled with the warmth of a thousand and one suns.

    Louis and Matteo left right as the medal ceremony ended, but Charlotte and her father, along with Abella, hung back because Charlotte had seen the way Viktor watched him from the side of the rink like he was the only person in the entire world and who was she to take Yuuri away from him.

    The moment Yuuri came off the ice, she directed him towards Viktor with a wink that had Yuuri rolling his eyes, but he walked to him anyway. 

    Viktor smiled at him and grabbed his waist when he tripped over himself as he tried to stop in front of him. He let go of him after a moment’s hesitation. “I always knew you had the potential,” he said softly, with the most lovesick expression that Yuuri had ever seen on any face. 

    Yuuri’s expression softened. “You did,” he agreed. “Did you forget?”

    Viktor looked hurt. “No, Yuuri. I never could have,” he said, eyes roaming across Yuuri’s face. “This was hard for me,” he said. “I didn’t leave because I wanted to. I never said, ‘Oh I should leave Yuuri because that would be fun’.”

    Yuuri frowned at him and narrowed his eyes. “Then why did you leave?”

    Viktor sighed and rubbed his face with a gloved hand. He opened his mouth to speak, but Yuuri said it for him.

    “Right, it’s a long story.”

    Now was Viktor’s turn to narrow his eyes. “Don’t be mad at me if you won’t let me explain.”

    Yuuri sighed and relaxed shoulders he didn’t realize were stiffened. “Fine,” he said. “Where do you want to talk?”

    Viktor looked up as he thought. “Well, Joel is on break for Christmas and I’m in Japan anyway, so… why don’t I meet you in Hasetsu?”

    “I’m not going home for a few more days,” Yuuri said with surprised eyes. 

    “I’ll be there when you get there.” Then, he paused for a long moment. “Do you think your parents will let me stay?”

    “They’re technically not supposed to turn anyone down,” Yuuri said, shrugging one shoulder. “I can’t say for sure if they will though.”

    “Right.”

    “Well, I really should be getting back to my hotel. Abella should have been in bed hours ago so…”

    “Right, right! Sorry I held you up! Good night, Yuuri!”

    Yuuri paused. “I’m really glad you came, Viktor,” he admitted, blush rising on his cheeks.

    Viktor looked surprised for a split second, but hid it with a smile. “I’m glad too.”

    Yuuri turned on his heel and walked to Charlotte. They spoke in rushed hushed voices and Viktor could see an angry Charlotte over Yuuri’s shoulder. Yuuri turned around, visibly annoyed, and shouted, “Good night, Viktor!” He turned back around and Charlotte smiled at him and then they were off.

    Viktor smiled to himself before turning and leaving too.

~

    Yuuri finally arrived at Yu-topia a week later and Viktor was waiting for him, full of his mother’s cooking. At first, she seemed a little icy towards him, but he warmed her back up when he told her about seeing Yuuri at the Final and the two of them had talked for hours about how proud they were of him. Mari still wasn’t sold, though, which would have been fine if she left him alone like she used to. But, she didn’t.

    Mari would burst into his room unexpectedly as if expecting to find something she should be seeing. But, sadly for Mari, Viktor wasn’t into sacrifices or anything of the sort. 

    The day Yuuri came home was especially awkward. Mari cornered him as he came out of the bathroom and screamed at him. Most of what she said was gibberish as Viktor couldn’t translate Japanese as fast as she was screaming, but he can remember one line of it distinctively. 

    “You’re not going to leave him again. You’re not worth creating a new life over again twice.”

    That was what kept Viktor so grounded about the whole situation. The whole week he’d been at Hasetsu had been fantastic because he knew he’d be getting his Yuuri back, but Mari reminded him of the truth. There was no guarantee that Yuuri would even let him in again. There was no guarantee that they’d ever be the same. And he needed to remember that going into it.

    But when he heard the front door of the inn open, he couldn’t help but run to him. Makkachin ran after him, as he was probably just as excited to see Yuuri. Makkachin had been spending more time in Yuuri’s room than his own, which was something he refused to accept.

    He stopped in the kitchen at the sight of Yuuri hugging his mother, face free of glitter or messy red lipstick. This was the face he loved unconditionally and wanted to earn love back from. 

    Yuuri laughed into his mother’s shoulder at the sound of Viktor’s running footsteps and pulled away from her when they stopped. “Was a week alone with my parents and Mari too much for you?” he asked, smiling as he got down on his knees to pet Makkachin. “I missed him,” he admitted, looking up at Viktor. “No more steamed buns for him?”

    Viktor winced, but smiled anyway. “No more steamed buns,” he confirmed. “Do you want me to help you with your bags?” 

    Yuuri smiled gratefully at him. “That’d be really nice actually,” he said. 

    Viktor approached and picked his duffle bag up. He lead the way to Yuuri’s room and placed the bag gingerly on Yuuri’s bed. Makkachin had tried to follow but Yuuri’s mom had stopped him. He glanced around and was surprised posters of his face still coated the walls. 

    “Why didn’t you ever take these down?” he asked.

    Yuuri blushed as he picked up his rolling bag and laid it beside his duffle. “I don’t know, actually. I think taking them down would have made it all too real,” he confessed. He turned to Viktor and laughed. “I decided to move to France instead.”

    “Is that where you train now?”

    “Yes. That’s where Charlotte and Louis’ home is and it felt wrong to take her up on her offer of relocating to Japan.” Yuuri shrugged and unzipped his duffle. “Besides, they have their daughter and if I let her move here, she’d be separated from her husband because he coaches Matteo in France.” He pulled his short program outfit out of his bag and nodded towards his closet. “Can you get me a hanger?”

    Viktor nodded and brought him a velvet hanger so the outfit wouldn’t slip off. “You know, I was surprised with how much makeup you let your coach get away with,” he said. “And then your hair for your free skate was…”

    “Charlotte knew what she was doing,” Yuuri said confidently as he put his costume on the hanger. “I knew she wouldn’t cross any boundaries that the judges would be angry at me for. She’s been a coach for too long to mess up that badly.”

    Viktor was quiet. He took Yuuri’s outfit when he offered it and put it back in the closet beside where his outfit from his free skate from the year before was. 

    “You know, I knew someone was going to break my record, but I wasn’t expecting it so soon,” he admitted.

    Yuuri went pale as he pulled his free skate costume out. Here goes, the moment he’d been dreading. “I’d say I’m sorry, but I’m really not,” he told him. 

    Viktor smiled genuinely at him. “I’m not mad at you, Yuuri. If anything, I’m glad you’re the one who broke it.”

    Yuuri turned to Viktor. “Really?” he asked in surprise. 

    “Really.”

    “But.. why?”

    “I hoped you’d break it that first year when I coached you at the Final,” he admitted.

    “Is that why you left? Because I didn’t?”

    Viktor’s eyes widened in shock. “What? No, Yuuri. I didn’t care how you placed. I was proud of you because you skated the best you had the entire season, remember?”

    “Then why did you leave?” Yuuri asked, crossing the room to his closet himself this time. He hung up his outfit as he waited for Viktor to reply. Instead of words, he got a sigh.

    “Viktor. I need to know why you left. I don’t understand why anyone would leave someone they said they cared about without a goodbye and ignored their existence for an entire year,” Yuuri demanded.

    Viktor sat down on Yuuri’s mattress with a sigh. “I left because I worried you were going to become the next Johnny Weir,” he admitted. 

    Yuuri frowned. “What’s wrong with being Johnny Weir? He designed my free skate costume. He tweets me after all of my performances telling me how remarkable I am and I die inside everytime he does.”

    “Johnny Weir wasn’t scored fairly at his competitions because he was gay, Yuuri. I didn’t want to ruin your scores for you!” Viktor argued.

    Yuuri rolled his eyes. “Do you think I would care that I was losing miserably when I knew I was doing my very best and it was obvious I was getting such bad scores because I was in love?”

    “You should!” Viktor complained. “You should care that you won’t score well.”

    “Well don’t you think that’s something I should decide for myself?!” Yuuri all but screamed. “I can’t believe you! I loved you, Viktor! It’s not for you to decide if I care that I’m losing because I love you. I would have rather been so disgustingly public about our relationship than I would have go through all of this. Sure, maybe I found a fantastic coach because of it, but I lost you.” Yuuri groaned. “I just don’t understand why you thought any part of leaving was a good idea.”

    “I’m sorry, Yuuri,” Viktor mumbled into the hands that covered his face. “Every time I try to do something for you I mess it up.”

    Yuuri sighed and came to sit beside Viktor. He pried his hands from his face and kissed the palm of his left hand. “You need to talk to me before you make these kinds of choices. You may think you know how I feel about something, but you might not.” He brushed his grey hair out of his eyes. “I don’t care if everyone knows I’m not straight. I’ll announce it live on television if that will prove it to you.”

    Viktor laughed and pulled Yuuri into a tight side hug. “I don’t think that’s necessary,” he told him. 

    Yuuri laughed back and poked at Viktor’s ribs. “Are you sure?” Viktor screamed in surprise and Yuuri laughed harder.

    “I’m sure now stop tickling me!”

    Yuuri smiled and stood back up. “I will if you help me unpack,” he decided.

    Viktor scrambled onto his feet and unzipped Yuuri’s full size suitcase. “I’m on it!” he told him. He pulled out a few shirts, folded them correctly, then put them into Yuuri’s dresser like it was his own. It might as well of been a year ago.

    They were almost done with Yuuri’s suitcase when Yuuri spoke up again. “Have you gone on any dates?” he asked, turning away so Viktor wouldn’t see his blush, but Viktor took him by the wrist and turned him around. 

    “Yuuri, did I ever break up with you?”

    Yuuri froze in shock. He blinked a few times before he shook his head. “Well, no.”

    “Then there’s your answer,” Viktor announced cheerily. “Why would I want to date someone when I was part of an ice skating power couple?”

    Yuuri blushed and turned back to putting clothes in his dresser.

    “Did you go on any?”

    Yuuri spun around in surprise. “Wha-”

    “Dates. Did you go on any dates? You thought we weren’t together anymore. It’s alright if you-”

    “No.. Dumb Viktor,” he mumbled.

    Viktor smiled to himself as he picked up a shirt out of his luggage he’d bought for Yuuri at one of his competitions. “You know, Joel is the reason I came to the Grand Prix Final,” he admitted after a beat. 

    “Really? How?”

    He laughed as he refolded the shirt. “He told me he was tired of me talking about you during practice and that I should talk to you about you instead,” he explained. “He was so excited to skate on the same stage as you," he reminisced. “Wouldn’t shut up about it. I almost wanted to tell him to calm down, but I was just as excited.”

    Yuuri rolled his eyes. “You sound like a character out of my mom’s dumb romance novels.”

    “Yuu-riii,” he whined.

    “Why are you here, anyway? I mean, why did you want to come to Hasetsu? It’s almost your birthday. Why wouldn’t you want to be in Russia?”

    Viktor shifted Yuuri’s suitcases onto the floor. “I told you when we were in Russia last year, Yuuri. Being in Russia is hard for me.” He laid down on Yuuri’s bed and patted the spot beside him. He continued speaking only after Yuuri was laying beside him. “It’s not home. Home is supposed to be where you can be your true self. And I can’t do that there.” He brushed Yuuri’s hair from his forehead. “This is home,” he said, placing a hand over Yuuri’s heart. “Wherever you are is where I’m most comfortable.”

    “Vityaaa!” Yuuri complained. “You’re acting like my mom’s romance books again!”

    Viktor laughed. “Sorry,” he murmured, staring directly into Yuuri’s dark eyes. He started drawing patterns into Yuuri's shoulder. “I cried the first time I saw your free skate,” he admitted.

    Yuuri yawned, the flight from France finally catching up to him. “I cried when I watched Joel’s.” He hummed lowly. “We’re a pair of sobbing idiots. Congrats,” he joked dryly.

    “I’m sorry,” Viktor apologized. “I didn’t mean for it to turn out as sour as it did.”

    “Mmm, I know,” Yuuri mumbled. “You’re still not forgiven." 

    Viktor bumped his forehead against Yuuri’s in his rush to sit up, making Yuuri cry out in pain. “I’m sorry! I really mean it-” Yuuri rolled his eyes at him. 

    Yuuri snorted and pulled at the bottom of Viktor’s grey henley with the hand that wasn’t rubbing his forehead. “I'm not going to say everything is under the bridge because you were an idiot," he explained.

    Viktor frowned, and moved to sit against the wall. "I really didn't mean for it to hurt you," he told him, looking down into his eyes. Part of Yuuri wondered if maybe they were moving too fast, but he decided he didn’t care. It wasn’t like Viktor was moving back in. 

Yuuri smiled at him. "I know you didn't. But that doesn't mean I'm not still hurt," he said. "I can't forgive you all in one day."

Viktor frowned, but he nodded anyway. "I understand," he said. "I'm sorry."

    “You know you’re not going to move to France to be closer to me, right?”

    “I’ll admit I thought about it, but I think I’ve become too attached to Joel. Maybe you should get your own Makkachin, though."

    Yuuri nodded slightly. “I’ll have to look into it,” he agreed, bringing his legs with Viktor’s longer ones as he closed his eyes again.

    Viktor shrieked and tried to pull his legs away, but Yuuri had him stuck there. “Let go of me with your cold demon feet!” he screamed in Russian.

    Yuuri didn’t understand it all, but he caught demon, and that alone made him laugh. “Shh I want to sleep,” he complained.

    Viktor rolled his eyes endearingly at him. “Can’t you at least put on socks?”

    “You were gone for a year. You deserve cold feet.”

**Author's Note:**

> wow you made it the whole way you are amazing
> 
> yuuri's short program song is the final confrontation by danny elfman from the alice in wonderland soundtrack and his free skate is don't you remember by adele  
> joel baby's short program is lyric by danny elfman (i love danny elfman) from the rabbit and rogue soundtrack and his free skate is back to the start by digital daggers (which i know is probably not completely fitting for the situation but i liked the instrumental part mixed with the dramatic lyrics it felt very viktor
> 
> if you're intrested in the thousand other song choices i had for the emo free skates, or want to know about yuuri's makeup or hair or costumes (i have them picked out so specifically in my mind it's hilarious) or anything at all feel free to comment


End file.
